The Difference Of (four) Now Five Years & A Certain Grace

 **Reposting from 2013 and each year after**

Hindsight and four now five years later makes all the difference in my world and to the grace of my emotional intelligence. Approaching January 2017 now 2018 I read past narratives like the one below that I wrote while navigating the biggest personal storm of my life with a sense of detachment. Was that really me?

Since literally opening the door to my life alone on January 4th 2013 I have become the person I was shirking away from for a lifetime. A person who had become so immersed in what others expected that I lost sght of myself and the dreams I had always planned to chase.

Today this person I am is as different as the four five years that have become my learning curve to the truth of who I really am, and how I finally got to here. I read the narrative below and find I don’t even connect with who that person was who wrote those words in 2013.

What a difference a year can make, what a difference four five years makes. There is a certain grace is being mindful of this.

Dream Chasing at warp speed!

…..or four

(*originally written in 2013)

What I know To Be True-  Dreams Are Meant To Be Chased

I don’t know a lot to be absolute truths, but two things I do know to be true are feelings are not forever and that change is inevitable.

Reflections on where I have been and where in life I am today were much like self-inventories that are also inevitable.

Questioning myself:

 “What happened to the significance of living the life I wanted?”

“Do I have a different idea about what The Dream Chasing really was?”

“Is it different from what I dreamed of chasing so many years ago? “

My Dream Chasing today seems not very different from what I dreamed before I stopped chasing it, although very different from what and how I am now going about the chase.  This I say with great certainty.

Could it be that the dreams had always remained the same and it is I that was that had changed and stopped the chase? 

Is it I  that let go of chasing the hope that one day I would realize my dreams were within reach?

Truth is… I had let go.

I just stopped because….well… I allowed myself to believe a misconception that it had become pointless.

I’d convinced myself that because my dream did not matter to anyone who was important to me it should not need to matter to me as well

I allowed myself to forget that feelings are not forever and that people change.

But I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Chasing my dreams and the plans I’d made changed many moons ago by a storm that went through my life, leaving me in the dust of its wake.

That person and the dreams I had originally been chasing to reach were completely struck off course by life’s bizarre sense of humor.

But then again; was it really the dream I was meant to live?

Maybe this has all been for naught, this time of questioning and lack of clear direction.

But I think not. The truth is I have gained much wisdom about this person….this woman…I have always meant to be.

With a new claity I began to understand that I couldn’t authentically become the person I had tried to be- the one who would attempted to meet what was expected of her by others AND chase her own dreams.

Clearly living my truths were not where I’ve been.

 I hope that one day I will apply the wisdom, find the clarity and the courage to do so.

Though I don’t mean it to I realize that these words of mine might sound a bit strange; especially to someone who’s maybe never taken a leap without knowing where they’re to fall.  Or if they’ll nail the landing.

 That person I tried to be, the one I had to work so hard to be, was in the end not someone I could reconcile with. Not someone I took pride in.

This shouldn’t be so hard.

 That person; she is not even the real me.

She is an impostor.

 That person is some others’ idea or composition of what they wished I would be.

How did I ever let this happen?

 Why did I ever let go?

I am ashamed of this fake person I have become.

 I’m not comfortable in my own skin..

Authentically living my life I AM NOT!

I know that angry woman who is buried inside is not me.

I have to send her away.

I need to find the peaceful & loving me again.

I think she is still there.

 

ttaylor2013